so yesterday here in Jersey it was beyond gorgeous out - luckily i wasn't cooped up in my windowless office building, but on the other hand i was driving all around to different doctor appointments - the type of appointments where you kinda' break down and cry before you enter the office so you can keep your sh*t together while you're there - and these appointments end like all the others, they check you out, tell you to get your regular tests done - prick and poke ya and hand you with scripts for even more tests - then wait 2 weeks for results - all praying the "C" word doesn't get mentioned - ya know 'cccccc-cancer'
i already know a phone call will come any day now with 'we need to dig a little deeper b/c something showed up on the MRI' - it's just a matter of WHEN that call will come (last time they actually sent me a letter, oh i lost it, how do you send a letter, that's a phone call people - PHONE CALL!) - as use to it as i am, and everything has always come back totally fine, it's still scary b/c it's only a matter of "when" the "C" word will be a reality - i don't think you ever really get immune to it all - at least i haven't - and every few months when i go through my rotation of tests i prep myself for the 'C' word JUST in case - i don't want no blindside happening!
back to the weather - crazy as it sounds but i think i got someone upstairs looking out for me - high five Universe - in between trips to this test and that doctor appointment i would be driving with my windows down, beats pumping, and hand out the window (ya know when you make the wave motion with your hand to feel the wind?) - and out of my sunroof comes a gift certificate on my lap - OK, so it ended up being expired, but that was a kick ass thing to come out of the sky onto one's lap, no?! - and then later what do you know, no joke, a Christmas card! - yes a Christmas card somehow ended on my lap from the sky - and yup i started to ball and laugh at the same time - how does one NOT cry and laugh after that?! - it was an emotional day to being with?! - i admit, i was totally touched and felt some sort of force looking out for me! - it was a surreal feeling
so i had a rough day of doctor visits (which started off by me almost crashing my car b/c an albino spider came waltzing along my steering wheel) - yet beautiful weather - and then 2 pretty awesome things just fly into my car onto my lap! - that's some serious good karma coming back at me, right?! (minus the spider - i dunno where he fits into all of this - other then it was part of my day)
so back to my day - as i'm sitting in one of my Dr's waiting rooms i meet a couple and they both tell me how i'm "so upbeat" and it "seems like nothing gets you down" yadda yadda (but good yadda yadda's) - which brings me to the Dove forensic artist thing that went viral the last few days - (ya know: how we see ourselves vs how a close friend sees you) - i wouldn't describe myself as someone "who doesn't lose her sh*t" or is "a solid calm force" - but yet i'm told this all the time - is it true? - am i really a calm cool collected person who doesn't lose her sh*t? - i say NO - i mean i was just crying and anxiety ridden 2 hours before hand getting my breast MRI - i just happen to do the crying part when no one can see me (again prepping myself for that damn C word - that C word ain't blindsiding this b*tch - game one!)
and lets be real - i do NOT have cancer - i am BRCA positive but i do NOT have cancer - which gives me zero right to soak up pity from people in a waiting room while there are people fighting for their lives! - and i don't want anyone's pity anyway - i've been through some really rough times in my life, i never wanted pity, i fought through every battle and came out a winner - might have been bruised and scared up, but i'm here and i'm a fighter - keeping it real here, i got A LOT to be thankful for - so what, i gained a lot of weight due to medications - but i'm NOT dying - my clothes don't fit, i don't like my body, and hate taking pictures now - but big frigin' deal - people are dying around me fighting for their lives - i have no reason other to be upbeat! - it's like 'get over it Erika, you're fat, there's bigger issues here, get over yourself!'
back to my conversation - so as i'm talking to this couple - Hurricane Sandy comes up and we trade stories - and i realize holy crap I AM that person - i was alone that night running up and down my street gathering everything that flew off my house - i kept watch all night to make sure no one went near the live power line wrapped around my crushed car - i mean i HELD DOWN THE FORT hardcore that night - i am a strong badass chick - and yea i do lose my sh*t at times and i mean really lose my sh*t - but overall i take a lot of heat and i have one helluva life to go through and i keep it together - especially at crucial situations i don't crack under pressure - now a few weeks later you might find me curled in the fetal position crying, but at any crucial event in my life i never lost it - I AM that girl - the one i never thought i was - it was a total moment for me!
so all in all - i didn't expect a beautiful day - i didn't expect strangers to make me realize who i really am - i didn't expect 2 gifts from the Universe on my lap - i didn't expect a stop at my favorite juice bar - i didn't expect to end the day feeling at peace - i didn't expect to spend time outdoors - yet i did - yesterday was the day of low expectations that resulted in a natural high
THANK YOU YESTERDAY!
(hope you were able to follow all that)
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